i've got a little crush on someone.

I can't say who it is, but I'm in that weird head space where I'm starting to envision if her name goes well with my last name, and if we propagated our species, wondering if our offspring will be dope. or undope.

But I've chosen to not start anything anytime during 2009. There's just so much I want to do, and achieve, and experience, that it wouldn't be fair for my honey-in-waiting. And there's still a lot of things I have to work out personally about myself. But each day, hopefully, I'm getting closer and closer to the person who i want to be.

Maybe New Years 2010 is the day I make a move. But that would be repeating my past a bit, since I also officially started going out with one of my exes on the first day of the New Year years ago. So I would be making a cliched move. But then again, I would be a little bit wiser, and have a little bit more life experience.

Yet I still think in many aspects I can be really selfish, and definitely get lost in my own world, to the detriment of those who love me and who I love. And I've got demons. And boy, they try to pull me under when the opportunity arises.

I wrote a song that touches on it a little bit:

"it's the truth I'm ready to face
i've broken things with battered wings
upon touching you, no light escapes
the angels and demons in my head"

I don't know. I wish I could decipher God's will, but I can't. The only thing I know is that I'm capable of loving unconditionally, to the point where it hurts me. But I'll do it anyway. That's becoming more and more of my nature. And I embrace it, even if there'a possibility that the embrace burns me in the end.
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I went swimming tonight during my 2nd attempt to go to astoria Sports Club. the first attempt sucked lemons; I ended up going there around 6:30 ish to run, but I forgot my lock and shorts to run in. So I had to go back.

But the 2nd time I went to ASC, I got to swim, which was great. I did a total of 50 laps (3 ten lap workouts, and 1 20 lap workout), so i know I'm going to be sore in the upper body tomorrow, but afterwards my left knee area felt so much better, that I was so happy that I did it. So i've decided that after a long run, I'll try to hit the pool the day after, just to loosen my knees yet still build endurance. I think that's a good strategy. We'll see if I'm in great running condition on Saturday...I've asked Laura Butler if she would be into running with me on Saturday, since she's the running vet who ran marathons and whatnot. Maybe I'll just slow her down, maybe not. But I'm readying myself to run.